We've all heard it before...
"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me."
We have all probably said it before, but the truth is more false words could never be uttered. The truth is we say this to ourselves in the hopes of making it true, but words can hurt. Now, don't get me wrong, I also think as a society we have become too sensitive; we get offended easily; our collective backbones have been weakened. The secondary effect of this is when truly bad things do happen, they get diminished. If everything is deemed offensive and hurtful, then it loses all meaning.
Let me give you an example of how words hurt. Lies! There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than the discovery that one person has been lying. In many cases the relationship dies with that discovery. Why? If words don't hurt then it shouldn't matter. The reality is words do hurt and they do matter. When you lie to someone you love, you remove the possibility of trust. Without trust there is no going forward in any true sense of the word. The relationship fizzles. Though I do have personal experience with this, this is not the main point today.
Let's talk about what words mean. In our language some words that in the past were innocuous were used with venom and hatred and they took on that connotation. In effect the meaning of the word for everyone was changed. Another problem we have is overuse. When a word is used to describe every situation, it becomes less clear what it means. It becomes inconsequential. We have many words that fit this but the one I want to focus on is Bully.
Bullying is a problem, it exists. It is dangerous to the victim and it is a serious thing. It has, however, become watered down. We hear this word all the time. We hear kids coming home saying they were bullied, when in reality it was one kid being mean one time. I know my kids have done this, I'm sure yours have too. When it is tossed around like water, when someone is actually bullied it tends to get diminished and ignored. How do I know this? I watched it first hand with my oldest daughter. I haven't talked about this but to a few people in my inner circle, but the effects of the situation still linger. I will tell you what happened, but let me be clear the difference. For girls, I think it is common place for them to have frenemies. Chalk it up to hormones and rising emotions. Things suddenly become more hurtful. Unlike boys who get angry in the moment and after a time forget about it, girls stew on it. Until they get their chance to hurt back. I remember this from my growing up years and technology has amplified this no doubt. It's universal. Talk to any mom of girls and they will say they are best friends with so and so for a week, then something mean happens, then they are crying and upset at how mean these girls are and then the next week they are planning what they are going to do together over the weekend. It's ridiculously exhausting as the parent, but it is fairly normal.
This year we had a different and much darker experience. you see my oldest was beginning her 8th grade year. She had not been allowed to use social media and she didn't have a phone. We have had lots of talks about the online world. So my daughter is aware you pick a user name that does not give out any personal information, she doesn't talk about where she lives or goes to school, and she understands that the person on the other end who claims to be 12 might be a 30 year old weirdo. She also knows the best position to take is to not befriend anyone online that you don't know in real life. So, when she asked if she could get Skype so she could chat with friends from school, we said yes. We figured if we didn't let her she would be completely cut off socially. We gained some new students at our school and my daughter befriended them all. Her new Skype friend was one of the new girls from school. So not someone we knew well but didn't feel like a total stranger. This girl added others to the conversation. When I questioned about these other people, this "friend", we'll call her Brittany, told me they were her friends from her other school. The first month of this friendship seemed fine. By month 2, however, it had taken a mean turn. The honeymoon was over. At first it seemed like the typical frenemy situation. Then I drove both Brittany and my daughter to a school dance. My daughter wore high heels, which she struggled to walk in, and darker make-up than necessary. But when she left our house she felt beautiful. We picked up Brittany and as I drove, she began putting my daughter down. Mocking her shoes, her dress, her make-up and the way she moves. She even criticized me as her mom for letting her out of the house looking like that. I didn't even make it to the freeway and I was ready to kick her out of my car. My blood was boiling. I said she needed to learn to have nice words come out of her mouth. My daughter got embarrassed and pleaded with me to drop it, so, I did.
By the time we got to the dance, my daughter who was normally so comfortable in her own skin, who danced by herself at every other dance, was begging forgiveness to everyone she saw for how ugly she was. She was certain that all those ugly words were true.
After I dropped Brittany off at home, I told my daughter that I can not control who she hangs out with at school, but this girl was not coming to our house and not riding in our car again. Over the next few months, the put downs continued. It got worse because my daughters good friend since 1st grade began doing the same thing. It became a powerful game to them. They both clearly got something from tearing my daughter down. February 12 was the day that changed everything. Brittany stepped up the game. On a thread in Skype, which included the 2 strangers we had been told were Brittany's friends, she wrote my daughter a letter. The gist of it was "you are the worst person to have ever existed on Earth, and the world would be better off without you in it." It was long and dark and horrible and hard to read. The wailing that came from daughters broken heart was unbearable as her mom. You see this wasn't isolated. She had abused my daughter mentally for months, she had weakened her to the point of desperation and then delivered the killing blow. You better believe I brought this to the school, but truthfully it didn't seem there was much that could be done. We were also informed that these strangers to us we strangers to Brittany as well. She had lied to us. She claims they made her send that letter to our girl. Brittany only hit copy and paste.
She still had to face her assailant every day. The girl would stare at her in class. She sent text messages to other kids about how all she did was "give her a dose of reality." To this day Brittany doesn't think she did anything wrong. I know because she told me as much. This girl stole my daughters power, the true definition of bullying. Truthfully, I didn't realize how deeply this had impacted her until my daughter confessed she struggled walking away from the relationship because she was terrified of Brittany. What happened was not minor, it was not innocuous. It did damage far beneath the surface. You see for forever I have been told and have thought that my daughters smile could light up a room. I barely get to see it now. We used to say that for her a stranger was just a friend she hadn't met yet. Now, she is afraid of new social situations, to the point of panic attacks. Her innocence was stolen. She battles, image issues, depression and anxiety. She told me she wonders every day if what that letter said was true. She is starting to get stronger. Through counseling and the help of a peer friend she has found the courage to walk away from her abuser. I am thankful for that and I hope she never looks back. To be honest we think of abuse as coming from a dating relationship...it never occurred to me to worry about her friendships. I figured if the friendship was bad she would walk away. They won't always walk away and sometimes feel like they don't ahve a choice but to stay.
So what is my point. Parents it starts with us. We need to use words that build our kids up at home. My guess is Brittany gave to my daughter the things she heard at home. We also need to teach out children that what they say matters, and that there are consequences to what we say. We also need to recognize the signs of abuse before the situation escalates. In the end, words can change you, but you can also change your words.
The journey of a stay-at-home mom of three dealing with life as it comes up!!
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Count Your Lucky Stars
The benefit of having multiple children is getting to see things from different perspectives. I have been seeing a lot of articles and information on "neurotypical" vs "neurodivergent". These terms basically didn't exist until recently. They aren't medical terms or psychological terms..They are lay person created terms to help the masses better understand those who might be different. Neurodivergent or non-neurotypical might be used to describe someone with Asperger's or a mental illness. It makes it sound less stigmatized...or so they hope.
As a parent, we fight daily for our kids to be understood. People look at our kids who are throwing a screaming fit over red versus green goldfish crackers and think "well don't they just overindulge their child" or "I would never let MY child get away with that!" or "Boy they sure spoil her" or even "Someone needs attention" They may not actually voice these thoughts, but their stares speak volumes. So coming up with a term that helps people understand a little better seems like such a good idea. But to those of us in the trenches it doesn't make the reality of life any easier.
If you have never had to spend hours and hours going from one specialist to another or on the phone with your insurance....
.....You should fee lucky
If you have never had to sit in an IEP meeting ....
.....You should feel lucky
If you have never had to watch your child struggle with tasks in school that all the other kids find easy...
....You should feel lucky
If you have never had to watch painfully as your child struggles to make and keep friends...
....You should feel lucky
If you have never tried every diet and homeopathic remedy there is just to have some normalcy....
....You should feel lucky
If you have never had to watch your child crumble or burst with rage in the face of overwhelming anxiety....
.....You should feel lucky
Now the picture I have painted sounds kind of miserable...but let me share the other side of this:
If you have gotten to watch your other children grow in their ability to handle differences and to have a better understanding of the world around them...
....You should feel lucky
If you have had the opportunity to see your child master those tasks that once seemed impossible and even climb bigger hills with success...
....You should feel lucky
If you have seen the beauty of one special friendship that far surpasses a crowd of acquaintances...
...You should feel lucky
If you have been able to help one other person because of all the knowledge you gained from your own child's experiences...
....You should feel lucky
If you have watched the pride your child feels when they beat their angry demon and calmly handle an anxious situation...
....You should feel lucky
For me I feel lucky. I have learned so much through my children. I have been able to help others advocate for their kids. I have had co workers seek my advice because I bring a knowledge and understanding that was hard won. I am able work with those struggling kids who have been missed in a way that boosts them...because I get it. Do I have days that I just think "I can't do this" Yes I do. Then the next day I get up, brush myself off and try again. I know I am never alone. And Yes I feel lucky.
As a parent, we fight daily for our kids to be understood. People look at our kids who are throwing a screaming fit over red versus green goldfish crackers and think "well don't they just overindulge their child" or "I would never let MY child get away with that!" or "Boy they sure spoil her" or even "Someone needs attention" They may not actually voice these thoughts, but their stares speak volumes. So coming up with a term that helps people understand a little better seems like such a good idea. But to those of us in the trenches it doesn't make the reality of life any easier.
If you have never had to spend hours and hours going from one specialist to another or on the phone with your insurance....
.....You should fee lucky
If you have never had to sit in an IEP meeting ....
.....You should feel lucky
If you have never had to watch your child struggle with tasks in school that all the other kids find easy...
....You should feel lucky
If you have never had to watch painfully as your child struggles to make and keep friends...
....You should feel lucky
If you have never tried every diet and homeopathic remedy there is just to have some normalcy....
....You should feel lucky
If you have never had to watch your child crumble or burst with rage in the face of overwhelming anxiety....
.....You should feel lucky
Now the picture I have painted sounds kind of miserable...but let me share the other side of this:
If you have gotten to watch your other children grow in their ability to handle differences and to have a better understanding of the world around them...
....You should feel lucky
If you have had the opportunity to see your child master those tasks that once seemed impossible and even climb bigger hills with success...
....You should feel lucky
If you have seen the beauty of one special friendship that far surpasses a crowd of acquaintances...
...You should feel lucky
If you have been able to help one other person because of all the knowledge you gained from your own child's experiences...
....You should feel lucky
If you have watched the pride your child feels when they beat their angry demon and calmly handle an anxious situation...
....You should feel lucky
For me I feel lucky. I have learned so much through my children. I have been able to help others advocate for their kids. I have had co workers seek my advice because I bring a knowledge and understanding that was hard won. I am able work with those struggling kids who have been missed in a way that boosts them...because I get it. Do I have days that I just think "I can't do this" Yes I do. Then the next day I get up, brush myself off and try again. I know I am never alone. And Yes I feel lucky.
Monday, August 1, 2016
The five drivers you meet in grid lock
Honk...Honk..Beep...Grumble...Grumble....Complain. This was my Friday last week. Sitting in traffic as I made my way home from a wonderful visit in Temecula, CA. Sitting in the car watching all that is going on allows time for the internal wheels to turn. It helped that my kids were so content drawing and reading that I didn't have to answer any "are we there yet?" questions.
I tend to be a polite driver. I tend to let people in when they are signaling and pleading because their lane is ending. But as I watched I realized that is not normal...most people caught in grid lock have no desire to lend a hand. It almost seems if you signal a lane change its like chumming the water. LA doesn't know how to handle a polite driver...in fact it seems to anger them. I began to draw comparisons to the world as a whole (I mean isn't this what everyone does when a 4.5 hour drive takes them 8.5 hours?).
I could see the different driver types as a metaphor for the people we meet in the world. How we treat them potentially affects this whole string of cars. As a whole I think the world could use some more patience with our fellow humans. We are all just people trying to do our best after all. So Here I have compiled my list of drivers you meet while in grid lock and how treating them different then our instinct might yield a different result.
The Impatient speed Demon: You have all seen it...maybe you have been it...not sure. But you know this person...this is the one who when everyone is stopped, they have decided the shoulder is their own personal lane. I mean where they have to be is just so much more important then where anyone else waiting in that mess must be. Don't be this person . They add to the anger pool that we all know is festering. Like everyone sitting there wishes they had the moxie to do what this guy so brazenly is doing...speeding down the shoulder weaving in and out when there is an opening. But, we all realize how dangerous this is...not just to ourselves but to everyone else on that road. The problem with the impatient speed demon is they let their frustration at being stuck just take over. They just see red and punch it. The thing is...the way they are driving all it will take is one unpredicted move from another driver and we have an accident. Not only is there potential for injury but this will slow down all of us even more . Now emergency personnel must make their way slowly through the grid lock,,.then potentially block off lanes creating a smaller grid to be locked. Just don't do it. This driver personality tends to bring out the stubborn driver in all of us. the tendency to do little things to keep this guy from moving at his break neck speed. The problem with that reaction is we are increasing the chance of mishap. Just let him go...it's safer for you that way. Quell your own road rage...you will feel better. We see this personality in our daily lives too. They were the bankers who recklessly gave out loans they knew were bad so they could quickly make a buck on commission. But what happened? The real estate market balloon popped. Those people couldn't make their payments because of adjustable rate interest and their houses had dropped value they were upside down, so simply selling wasn't a possibility. The banks wouldn't work with them and so they lost their homes. Those of us who could still make our payments...we were still affected. We put a large chunk of change as a down payment on our current home and still went upside down. We still have almost no equity so we lost our investment...though thankfully not our home. Do you see that no matter the situation, those that are only looking out for themselves and their own quick gain not only hurt their direct victims, but the hurt spreads to anyone in the vicinity?
WE NEED LESS OF THIS IN THE WORLD!! If you are this person, you can make a change. and the rest of us need you to. Oh I know we sit back admiringly and throw compliments your way. We see you as successful, generous, and a piece of us wishes we could be like you. But when the chips fall our eyes are opened. We see that you made your money by hurting others and that hurt spreads like a cancer. There is nothing wrong with making money and trying to get ahead...but I dislike the vision of one person pushing many down just for the appearance of being taller. You can be successful without damaging those around you...I have seen it.
Gong back to the freeway...you may not get ahead as fast but you will get their safely and without causing harm.
The Hot Mess driver: This is a driver near and dear to my heart. I am for sure not one who loves to drive. I do it out of necessity. The first time I drove to LA myself my heart raced, I had death grip on the steering wheel and I am pretty sure I sweated through all my clothes. (Of course my first drive was during a torrential down pour with visibility of like zero, but whose counting) Not knowing the roads that well, not giving yourself enough time because of inexperience, and fear of the impatient speed demons are not a great combination. This is the person not trying to be a jerk, but inadvertently does things that make them seem like a jerk. They don't realize the lane is ending so they end up trying to move over at the last minute. Of course the people often confuse them with our next driver, The rules don't apply to them driver, but this is a mistake,,,nothing was intentional. It would be so easy to not let them in and feel justified. But you can tell by the wide eyed apologetic look on their face...they were not trying to one up you.....they just aren't used to the lanes in LA that merge and regenerate seemingly on a whim. We need more patience with each other!! We have seen this in our life. They are the ones walking into the meeting late, tying to be quiet but inevitably dropping something loudly creating interruption. Heck I think we all take turns being this person for one reason or another. It is so so easy to sit back and judge and make assumptions. But what if instead we simply pulled out a chair for them to sit in...and graciously ignored the state of their hair. We all have those days when things don't go as planned, and we are trying our best. Some days our best doesn't cut it and we need a whole heap of GRACE!. Instead of assuming people are jerks and running them off the road in retaliation, what would the world look like if instead we simply let them in our lane? Would it really slow us down that much? I am not as naive as all that...I know there are jerks in the world...I just don't think we need to be walking around assuming everyone is one. Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that world where instead of everyone out for themselves, we see people having hands ready to help/ That person may very well be a jerk...but that doesn't mean I need to be one. On my drive home, there were many times a lane ended or was exiting onto another freeway. Multiple times I let more than one car make that last minute lane change in front of me. But when I didn't realize the lane I was in exited and needed to move over...cars didn't let me in, they honked at me like I was just trying to take their place. I did make my way over, but I'll be honest it hurts my heart that we as a people can't just give each other a break. There is a change of mind happening...I've seen some of those videos. Lets choose to be part of the positive change.
The Rules Don't Apply To Them Driver: As I said before, these are at times easily mixed up with the Hot Mess. Often in the car its hard to tell the difference. But they tend to be the ones when there has been a warning light flashing that a lane is ending for the past 5 miles. These are the peeps who cruise along in that ending lane trying to get as far in front of the pack as they can before moving over. We have all seen it....some of us may even be guilty. This driver is often confused with other types because they mimic. They might at times appear to be the speed demon, but speed isn't always their motivation; Some times it really seems like they just want to see what they can get away with. They run the red lights because, pshh why should they have to stop? They ignore warning signs, hazard lights...sometimes with grave consequences. Oh I know we see this person in our off the freeway lives. I am typically first in line to call them on it too. Who do they think they are? I guess the reason I have issues with this is most of the time rules are there to keep us from getting hurt or hurting someone else. Today though its a fine line since we have a movement to create rules to hurt people. Interestingly, I think most of those new rules are created by the same people who think they don't have to follow rules. For these I go back to one simple tenet: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You may not be religious but I think we can all agree this is a pretty good way to live your life. You don't want people beating you? Then don't beat other people. You don't want people cutting you off on the road? then don't cut people off on the road. They say we should lead by example. So instead of waiting for someone else to be the change..we can start. Lets all agree to treat others how we want to be treated. Wouldn't that just be a wonderful world? I know we have to live and drive in reality and there are people who think they can do whatever to whoever and get away with it...we just don't need to be those people.
The Broken Down Needs a Hand Driver: Oh boy there is nothing like finally having the freeway moving only to have your lane stop while around you traffic is still flowing. Yes this happened and when I finally came to the cause it was a broken down semi truck. Yeah you try maneuvering that across 3 grid locked lanes to get to the shoulder before it breaks down...not likely. Do they need to be honked at and have your fists raised at them? No they need patience and perhaps a tow truck. But I have seen people get so angry and a driver whose car is just not working right. I have had it happen (not in LA) where my car seemed fine and then bing bing bing I have warning lights going off. The drive back from San Francisco after my brother died...my car overheated 4 times. The trip was unexpected so I didn't take the time to do all the pre trip maintenance I usually do. I literally got in the car and drove. I am thankful it was the drive home not there but...man I could see people irritated as we were slowing down and moving over,. You never know someones whole story and what has brought them to this point. Lets be kinder and more helpful. What a difference it would have made for my heart to have someone offer help when I was buried in grief...they didn't know I was drowning in tears, they just were annoyed I took a non working car on the road. Just remember you don't know their story. This happens in life all the time, People don't show up for a meeting, don't call you back, are rude to you when you see them. We don't know what happened that day, that morning. Maybe they aren't feeling well, maybe they got bad news. It's hard. As a general tendency we as people put everything into the context of ourselves. Like of course they were rude to us because they were mad at us. And we take action based on those assumptions. Then when we realize what was really going on we are embarrassed by our own thought process. Perhaps we should assume nothing is about us until we are told it is. The driver whose car was breaking down...man he wasn't trying to be a rock in a stream, he was forced to be one.
Oh yes there is one more: The average cruising along Driver: This person is just flowing along trying their best to stay safe. Most of us in our daily life tend to be this driver. We aren't in distress, we aren't weaving around those in front of us. We work, raise our children, pay our bills. My only comment is we need to take note of those around us. We need patience too. We need to offer help. We need to see what is going on around us more completely. We do pretty well, but lets help out those hot messes and broken down drivers. Lets just let the rule breakers and speed demons pass us by so we don't get involved in their crash (we know they will crash at some point, some day). We tend to be the ones annoyed by others lack of planning, but we can make another choice. Does it help to have collective anger grow?
Perhaps my analogies seem odd...but hey what else is there to do when stuck in traffic then to pause and take it all in? I think we as a whole need more of that. Pause, deep breath and observe. Then we can more clearly see the picture and act accordingly.
I tend to be a polite driver. I tend to let people in when they are signaling and pleading because their lane is ending. But as I watched I realized that is not normal...most people caught in grid lock have no desire to lend a hand. It almost seems if you signal a lane change its like chumming the water. LA doesn't know how to handle a polite driver...in fact it seems to anger them. I began to draw comparisons to the world as a whole (I mean isn't this what everyone does when a 4.5 hour drive takes them 8.5 hours?).
I could see the different driver types as a metaphor for the people we meet in the world. How we treat them potentially affects this whole string of cars. As a whole I think the world could use some more patience with our fellow humans. We are all just people trying to do our best after all. So Here I have compiled my list of drivers you meet while in grid lock and how treating them different then our instinct might yield a different result.
The Impatient speed Demon: You have all seen it...maybe you have been it...not sure. But you know this person...this is the one who when everyone is stopped, they have decided the shoulder is their own personal lane. I mean where they have to be is just so much more important then where anyone else waiting in that mess must be. Don't be this person . They add to the anger pool that we all know is festering. Like everyone sitting there wishes they had the moxie to do what this guy so brazenly is doing...speeding down the shoulder weaving in and out when there is an opening. But, we all realize how dangerous this is...not just to ourselves but to everyone else on that road. The problem with the impatient speed demon is they let their frustration at being stuck just take over. They just see red and punch it. The thing is...the way they are driving all it will take is one unpredicted move from another driver and we have an accident. Not only is there potential for injury but this will slow down all of us even more . Now emergency personnel must make their way slowly through the grid lock,,.then potentially block off lanes creating a smaller grid to be locked. Just don't do it. This driver personality tends to bring out the stubborn driver in all of us. the tendency to do little things to keep this guy from moving at his break neck speed. The problem with that reaction is we are increasing the chance of mishap. Just let him go...it's safer for you that way. Quell your own road rage...you will feel better. We see this personality in our daily lives too. They were the bankers who recklessly gave out loans they knew were bad so they could quickly make a buck on commission. But what happened? The real estate market balloon popped. Those people couldn't make their payments because of adjustable rate interest and their houses had dropped value they were upside down, so simply selling wasn't a possibility. The banks wouldn't work with them and so they lost their homes. Those of us who could still make our payments...we were still affected. We put a large chunk of change as a down payment on our current home and still went upside down. We still have almost no equity so we lost our investment...though thankfully not our home. Do you see that no matter the situation, those that are only looking out for themselves and their own quick gain not only hurt their direct victims, but the hurt spreads to anyone in the vicinity?
WE NEED LESS OF THIS IN THE WORLD!! If you are this person, you can make a change. and the rest of us need you to. Oh I know we sit back admiringly and throw compliments your way. We see you as successful, generous, and a piece of us wishes we could be like you. But when the chips fall our eyes are opened. We see that you made your money by hurting others and that hurt spreads like a cancer. There is nothing wrong with making money and trying to get ahead...but I dislike the vision of one person pushing many down just for the appearance of being taller. You can be successful without damaging those around you...I have seen it.
Gong back to the freeway...you may not get ahead as fast but you will get their safely and without causing harm.
The Hot Mess driver: This is a driver near and dear to my heart. I am for sure not one who loves to drive. I do it out of necessity. The first time I drove to LA myself my heart raced, I had death grip on the steering wheel and I am pretty sure I sweated through all my clothes. (Of course my first drive was during a torrential down pour with visibility of like zero, but whose counting) Not knowing the roads that well, not giving yourself enough time because of inexperience, and fear of the impatient speed demons are not a great combination. This is the person not trying to be a jerk, but inadvertently does things that make them seem like a jerk. They don't realize the lane is ending so they end up trying to move over at the last minute. Of course the people often confuse them with our next driver, The rules don't apply to them driver, but this is a mistake,,,nothing was intentional. It would be so easy to not let them in and feel justified. But you can tell by the wide eyed apologetic look on their face...they were not trying to one up you.....they just aren't used to the lanes in LA that merge and regenerate seemingly on a whim. We need more patience with each other!! We have seen this in our life. They are the ones walking into the meeting late, tying to be quiet but inevitably dropping something loudly creating interruption. Heck I think we all take turns being this person for one reason or another. It is so so easy to sit back and judge and make assumptions. But what if instead we simply pulled out a chair for them to sit in...and graciously ignored the state of their hair. We all have those days when things don't go as planned, and we are trying our best. Some days our best doesn't cut it and we need a whole heap of GRACE!. Instead of assuming people are jerks and running them off the road in retaliation, what would the world look like if instead we simply let them in our lane? Would it really slow us down that much? I am not as naive as all that...I know there are jerks in the world...I just don't think we need to be walking around assuming everyone is one. Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that world where instead of everyone out for themselves, we see people having hands ready to help/ That person may very well be a jerk...but that doesn't mean I need to be one. On my drive home, there were many times a lane ended or was exiting onto another freeway. Multiple times I let more than one car make that last minute lane change in front of me. But when I didn't realize the lane I was in exited and needed to move over...cars didn't let me in, they honked at me like I was just trying to take their place. I did make my way over, but I'll be honest it hurts my heart that we as a people can't just give each other a break. There is a change of mind happening...I've seen some of those videos. Lets choose to be part of the positive change.
The Rules Don't Apply To Them Driver: As I said before, these are at times easily mixed up with the Hot Mess. Often in the car its hard to tell the difference. But they tend to be the ones when there has been a warning light flashing that a lane is ending for the past 5 miles. These are the peeps who cruise along in that ending lane trying to get as far in front of the pack as they can before moving over. We have all seen it....some of us may even be guilty. This driver is often confused with other types because they mimic. They might at times appear to be the speed demon, but speed isn't always their motivation; Some times it really seems like they just want to see what they can get away with. They run the red lights because, pshh why should they have to stop? They ignore warning signs, hazard lights...sometimes with grave consequences. Oh I know we see this person in our off the freeway lives. I am typically first in line to call them on it too. Who do they think they are? I guess the reason I have issues with this is most of the time rules are there to keep us from getting hurt or hurting someone else. Today though its a fine line since we have a movement to create rules to hurt people. Interestingly, I think most of those new rules are created by the same people who think they don't have to follow rules. For these I go back to one simple tenet: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You may not be religious but I think we can all agree this is a pretty good way to live your life. You don't want people beating you? Then don't beat other people. You don't want people cutting you off on the road? then don't cut people off on the road. They say we should lead by example. So instead of waiting for someone else to be the change..we can start. Lets all agree to treat others how we want to be treated. Wouldn't that just be a wonderful world? I know we have to live and drive in reality and there are people who think they can do whatever to whoever and get away with it...we just don't need to be those people.
The Broken Down Needs a Hand Driver: Oh boy there is nothing like finally having the freeway moving only to have your lane stop while around you traffic is still flowing. Yes this happened and when I finally came to the cause it was a broken down semi truck. Yeah you try maneuvering that across 3 grid locked lanes to get to the shoulder before it breaks down...not likely. Do they need to be honked at and have your fists raised at them? No they need patience and perhaps a tow truck. But I have seen people get so angry and a driver whose car is just not working right. I have had it happen (not in LA) where my car seemed fine and then bing bing bing I have warning lights going off. The drive back from San Francisco after my brother died...my car overheated 4 times. The trip was unexpected so I didn't take the time to do all the pre trip maintenance I usually do. I literally got in the car and drove. I am thankful it was the drive home not there but...man I could see people irritated as we were slowing down and moving over,. You never know someones whole story and what has brought them to this point. Lets be kinder and more helpful. What a difference it would have made for my heart to have someone offer help when I was buried in grief...they didn't know I was drowning in tears, they just were annoyed I took a non working car on the road. Just remember you don't know their story. This happens in life all the time, People don't show up for a meeting, don't call you back, are rude to you when you see them. We don't know what happened that day, that morning. Maybe they aren't feeling well, maybe they got bad news. It's hard. As a general tendency we as people put everything into the context of ourselves. Like of course they were rude to us because they were mad at us. And we take action based on those assumptions. Then when we realize what was really going on we are embarrassed by our own thought process. Perhaps we should assume nothing is about us until we are told it is. The driver whose car was breaking down...man he wasn't trying to be a rock in a stream, he was forced to be one.
Oh yes there is one more: The average cruising along Driver: This person is just flowing along trying their best to stay safe. Most of us in our daily life tend to be this driver. We aren't in distress, we aren't weaving around those in front of us. We work, raise our children, pay our bills. My only comment is we need to take note of those around us. We need patience too. We need to offer help. We need to see what is going on around us more completely. We do pretty well, but lets help out those hot messes and broken down drivers. Lets just let the rule breakers and speed demons pass us by so we don't get involved in their crash (we know they will crash at some point, some day). We tend to be the ones annoyed by others lack of planning, but we can make another choice. Does it help to have collective anger grow?
Perhaps my analogies seem odd...but hey what else is there to do when stuck in traffic then to pause and take it all in? I think we as a whole need more of that. Pause, deep breath and observe. Then we can more clearly see the picture and act accordingly.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
What's Below the surface
So I am going there. Something I never thought I would write about..I'm doing it. In this world we live in today of race bating, where tensions on that front seem to be higher than ever before. I am going to talk about why race doesn't matter.
You see I am an immigrants daughter. My father a Child war refugee, whose dad fled the Nazi invasion of Poland, my dad in tow. They did not get a straight passage to America. Their journey involved 2 years of wandering, searching for safety before my Grandfather was hired by the USA for his engineering abilities.
I grew up hearing the stories of the labels put on my dad being a Pole. Their was definitely bigotry and he got to experience it first hand. Does my dad have hate in his heart? No way. My dad is one of the most gentle souls you will ever meet. Did his early childhood shape him? Yes it did...it gave him compassion and a determination to always be able to take care of his family (which he always has).
Why am I talking about this? I will blame my girls. You see every few years my kids' school has the students put on a wax museum. They choose an important historical person and dress like them, learn their biography and memorize a speech summarizing their lives. The first time only my oldest was in it. She was in third grade. She came home and told me she chose Althea Gibson. I honestly had never heard of her so asked Izabella to describe her to me. She said, "She was a famous tennis player and she won the US Open. She had a lot of hard times but went on to be successful in something she loved." Knowing she would have to dress like her I asked what she looked like, to which my daughter replied, "She wore a really cool skirt and had super curly hair." I pictured Shirley Temple. We got home and looked her up together and I discovered she was African American. My daughter didn't see her color. She understood that was part of her, but to my daughter her accomplishments stood on their own merit. It didn't matter to her the color of her skin. It mattered to her that she won the US Open. It mattered to her that despite many obstacles she persevered and became successful. In hind sight part of me wonders if Bella related to Althea due to her at the time yet to be diagnosed learning disability...but that is just speculation.
I did say it was my daughters who inspired me...so here we are coming up on another wax museum. My Alina chose Ruby Bridges. When I asked her how we would make her look like Ruby, Alina replied, "well she was going to school so we'll need a lunch box and she wore nice clothes to school so one of my dresses and a bow in my hair." No where in her vocabulary did race come up. I commented to her teacher about it and she said that when she asked Alina why she chose Ruby, Alina told her it was because she was so brave. She marveled at how she had walked past all those angry adults with her head held high. She admired her for standing up for what she believed.
You see to my white girls, it isn't skin color that makes people important...it was what they did with their lives. They give me hope that Martin Luther King Jr.'s I have a Dream speech will in fact come true, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
My kids clearly do not judge by anything but the content of character and for that this mom is very proud.
You see I am an immigrants daughter. My father a Child war refugee, whose dad fled the Nazi invasion of Poland, my dad in tow. They did not get a straight passage to America. Their journey involved 2 years of wandering, searching for safety before my Grandfather was hired by the USA for his engineering abilities.
I grew up hearing the stories of the labels put on my dad being a Pole. Their was definitely bigotry and he got to experience it first hand. Does my dad have hate in his heart? No way. My dad is one of the most gentle souls you will ever meet. Did his early childhood shape him? Yes it did...it gave him compassion and a determination to always be able to take care of his family (which he always has).
Why am I talking about this? I will blame my girls. You see every few years my kids' school has the students put on a wax museum. They choose an important historical person and dress like them, learn their biography and memorize a speech summarizing their lives. The first time only my oldest was in it. She was in third grade. She came home and told me she chose Althea Gibson. I honestly had never heard of her so asked Izabella to describe her to me. She said, "She was a famous tennis player and she won the US Open. She had a lot of hard times but went on to be successful in something she loved." Knowing she would have to dress like her I asked what she looked like, to which my daughter replied, "She wore a really cool skirt and had super curly hair." I pictured Shirley Temple. We got home and looked her up together and I discovered she was African American. My daughter didn't see her color. She understood that was part of her, but to my daughter her accomplishments stood on their own merit. It didn't matter to her the color of her skin. It mattered to her that she won the US Open. It mattered to her that despite many obstacles she persevered and became successful. In hind sight part of me wonders if Bella related to Althea due to her at the time yet to be diagnosed learning disability...but that is just speculation.
I did say it was my daughters who inspired me...so here we are coming up on another wax museum. My Alina chose Ruby Bridges. When I asked her how we would make her look like Ruby, Alina replied, "well she was going to school so we'll need a lunch box and she wore nice clothes to school so one of my dresses and a bow in my hair." No where in her vocabulary did race come up. I commented to her teacher about it and she said that when she asked Alina why she chose Ruby, Alina told her it was because she was so brave. She marveled at how she had walked past all those angry adults with her head held high. She admired her for standing up for what she believed.
You see to my white girls, it isn't skin color that makes people important...it was what they did with their lives. They give me hope that Martin Luther King Jr.'s I have a Dream speech will in fact come true, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
My kids clearly do not judge by anything but the content of character and for that this mom is very proud.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Why I wouldn't want to be younger
So many know I just hit that milestone...that's right 40! When I was 16 I thought 40 had one foot in the grave. So as my birthday approached I was trying to figure out which foot that was. I also, somewhere around August, decided to celebrate everyday. You know what happened...even the little things felt like someone giving me an early birthday present.
My husband announced that I was having a party and that is all there was to it. It worked out since my birthday fell on a Saturday I could actually celebrate on my day. That morning my hubby joked that I was still 26. (which turned into a math problem for the kids with horrifying consequences).
The night of my party many friends and family members came to celebrate little ole me. It was a little overwhelming just how much love was in that room. I looked around and took note that every phase of my life was represented. I had my family who was there from my birth, high school friends, my college friends, friends I met while trying to figure out this raising children thing, friends I made once our kids began entering school, and friends I made just this year who already share their wisdom with me.
When I looked around that room I realized going back would mean erasing time and some of those relationships. Now that is something I would never want to do. I also realized that I have gained some hard earned wisdom in my years and I don't want to undo that either. So you know what? I am happy to be 40. I have earned being 40. I also believe we have a duty to share the lessons we've learned so here it goes:
What I have learned in my 40 years:
2. Appreciate the ones you love now, don't wait, tomorrow isn't for sure. I've lost plenty of loved ones both young and older over the past few years and not once did I expect it. I know of children battling cancer...no one is immune, we will all face our maker...so treat every day like it's your last and appreciate those you love!
3. Confidence is a beautiful thing! I used to think that confidence looked like arrogance and I can say now that that is not true. Confidence looks like a person who knows their strengths, knows the gifts God gave them and aren't afraid to use them,. Confidence looks like someone who can speak their mind without the fear of other opinions. This isn't to say that bullying with your words is ok...I am more thinking about being comfortable with your own values and not being afraid to talk about them regardless of who you are talking to. I have friends from all walks of life and I don't hide the fact that I'm a Christian. Somehow we not only don't hate each other, we know and understand each others viewpoints more in depth. Confidence is not boastful, it is a simple unadorned comfort in who you are as a person. I am enjoying the confidence my years on this earth has brought. Enjoying it way more than I did the insecurity of my earlier years.
4. Do not stagnate! People might laugh when they hear I went to school as pre-vet. Worked in the biology field for all of 6 months. Then worked for a non-profit running the office. This led to getting my Masters in Business with an emphasis in health care organization. That turned into grant writing and marketing. When the non-profit closed I became a stay-at-home mom. Most of my mom career I worked odds and ends job ( most of which paid at or slightly above the current minimum wage-but it allowed me to be with my babies). Now I work within the school system and am contemplating a credential as well as selling Young Living Essential oils. Some might say, "geez pick something and stay with it!" I will tell you I gained insight and knowledge that I was able to carry forward from each of those roles. You don't have to change careers every 7 years, but you should always be a student. Take an art class, join a choir, volunteer. Do something that you can hang on to beyond retirement. I've watched my parents and learned from them...no one ever thinks they are the age they are...they have never stagnated and I don't intend to either.
There is more I have learned but I want to keep this post to a reasonable amount. I guess my main point is this, when I was 18, I had no voice, I was painfully shy (I cried my first night at college), I didn't want to share my talents because I was pretty sure I didn't have any, and I truly didn't understand much about the world or my faith. I am still learning but I can say with all honesty I am enjoying the strength and confidence of being 40 immensely!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Perspective..
So today I learned something. I have known for quite some time that my children and their peculiarities are teaching me and I have thought that this must be the reason I was gifted them. You see I love all three of my kiddos but the tantruming three year old that was my Alina became a Fearsome 4 year old. Pretty soon we had a scary seven year old. It escalated to an out of control 8 year old. It took time, some serious parenting restructuring and the help of my handy dandy Young Living Essential Oils to make progress to a Nuanced nine year old.
Nuanced? What could she possibly mean by that? Well of course I will tell you. I mean she has learned some subtlety and methods to calm herself down when she gets angry. I mean that she is not always my zero to sixty kid any more. I mean that she is able to express hurt as hurt not just as anger. I mean that she is able to be angry with me without being a danger to herself, We do still have times of out of control, but they make their appearance much less often.
The part I struggle with most and what most don't totally understand is what it means to have a nuanced child and watch her interacting with peers. When I see her struggling and I see her wheels turning and then I see the child she is with does not get her at all. They don't get that she has a deep seated sense of justice and right from wrong. She was born with it and she fails to understand anything outside those boundaries. Most children don't necessarily have that...they can often see the gray of life. So they don't get all the fuss. They don't get that it crushes her to think someone would do that to someone else because it would not occur to her to do that, There are times though we have had to point out that her sense of justice has been one way. In other words she sees how it is hurtful when someone else does it, but fails to see how its hurtful when she does the same thing. It's nuanced because though we see the situations as the same she sees them as different because the circumstances are not EXACTLY the same. If I as an adult struggle with this and have had to find patience I didn't know I could have, how can I possibly expect a child to understand this?
They just don't. From another parents perspective it is unreasonable for me to even ask them to try to teach their children that with some people you need to see deeper and think harder. Most of the time other kids just choose to find a new friend,one that doesn't expect so much of them. This struggle among peers means that in our family we struggle too. Play often can become war because Izabella is a sister, and sisters know just how to push your buttons. I can not tell you the sheer number of times their littlest petshop dolls have been confiscated until a peace time treaty was signed and many chores done. It has affected Holidays too making them that extra bundle of fun having to explain to cousins that their cousin isn't like them and they need to add an extra dose of compassion to their interaction. Mostly it falls on deaf ears, So we brace ourselves for every large group activity because we know our girl and we know for certain that she will be the loudest in a conflict and always viewed as unreasonable because of it.
Today though a ray of light came home. That ray of light and hope was Izabella. Oh you would not have known it when she got off the bus because that ray of light was disguised as a storm cloud. She explained she was mad because kids were being mean to Alina at school and she defended her sister, Then they got mad at her because everyone thought Alina was the unreasonable one.
There was a few hours between the bus and home where we could finally talk. What came out of my daughters mouth confirmed for me what I have thought for a long time. People are put in our lives to teach us something. I always selfishly thought it was about what I needed to learn, All the while Izabella has been learning and tucking nuggets of truth away in her heart. What came out of that 11 year old's mouth showed a wisdom many adults don't have.
I won't go into all the details of the school yard interaction. I will just share with you what Izabella shared with me. "I tried to explain to them mom, that Alina isn't like everyone else. That she has had to deal with a lot in her life that they don't understand. I tried to explain that she has seizures and all that medication was such a burden for her. They don't get it mom. I told them 'look she has anger issues but it isn't all her fault and we need to learn how to be around her.' I explained mom that when you get louder she is going to get louder and then of course she will always look like the unreasonable one. She will always look like the one who is out of control. The truth is mom she just wants to be heard and if you keep your voice calm and hear her out she doesn't get so loud. We have had to learn that in our home and watching today I got it mom we all need to work on keeping our voice calm because then Alina can keep her voice calm. She can't handle people yelling at her. I get that that is what you have been telling me"
I stared with my mouth open and tears welling, I didn't know that is what I had been telling Bella because mostly I think I said something like "Bella quit bossing your sister!" or "Bella I don't need you to be mom." or "Bella it's better for you to stay out of it!"
I didn't know I had communicated something else because when the situations arise at home my stress goes up and I struggle and having to deal with an 11 year old "helping" me just puts me over the top. So today I learned that we are all learning from each other. Alina is learning too. I don't want anyone reading this to think she hasn't made worlds of progress, anyone who has watched our busstop progress knows we are in a far better space than a year ago, Today though Alina says, "I admit it mom I did yell and it probably seemed unreasonable and I know I need to work on that." she continued "I breathed with Veronica (the noon duty) and I was ok."
I am amazed daily by my children. I am excited for who they are becoming. I have said for a long time I would rather raise a good person than the smartest or prettiest person....the world needs more good people. I know the lessons my kids are learning from each other they will carry into the world and they will make a positive difference. Just shining a light and helping others see the world from another angle...that is huge.
Nuanced? What could she possibly mean by that? Well of course I will tell you. I mean she has learned some subtlety and methods to calm herself down when she gets angry. I mean that she is not always my zero to sixty kid any more. I mean that she is able to express hurt as hurt not just as anger. I mean that she is able to be angry with me without being a danger to herself, We do still have times of out of control, but they make their appearance much less often.
The part I struggle with most and what most don't totally understand is what it means to have a nuanced child and watch her interacting with peers. When I see her struggling and I see her wheels turning and then I see the child she is with does not get her at all. They don't get that she has a deep seated sense of justice and right from wrong. She was born with it and she fails to understand anything outside those boundaries. Most children don't necessarily have that...they can often see the gray of life. So they don't get all the fuss. They don't get that it crushes her to think someone would do that to someone else because it would not occur to her to do that, There are times though we have had to point out that her sense of justice has been one way. In other words she sees how it is hurtful when someone else does it, but fails to see how its hurtful when she does the same thing. It's nuanced because though we see the situations as the same she sees them as different because the circumstances are not EXACTLY the same. If I as an adult struggle with this and have had to find patience I didn't know I could have, how can I possibly expect a child to understand this?
They just don't. From another parents perspective it is unreasonable for me to even ask them to try to teach their children that with some people you need to see deeper and think harder. Most of the time other kids just choose to find a new friend,one that doesn't expect so much of them. This struggle among peers means that in our family we struggle too. Play often can become war because Izabella is a sister, and sisters know just how to push your buttons. I can not tell you the sheer number of times their littlest petshop dolls have been confiscated until a peace time treaty was signed and many chores done. It has affected Holidays too making them that extra bundle of fun having to explain to cousins that their cousin isn't like them and they need to add an extra dose of compassion to their interaction. Mostly it falls on deaf ears, So we brace ourselves for every large group activity because we know our girl and we know for certain that she will be the loudest in a conflict and always viewed as unreasonable because of it.
Today though a ray of light came home. That ray of light and hope was Izabella. Oh you would not have known it when she got off the bus because that ray of light was disguised as a storm cloud. She explained she was mad because kids were being mean to Alina at school and she defended her sister, Then they got mad at her because everyone thought Alina was the unreasonable one.
There was a few hours between the bus and home where we could finally talk. What came out of my daughters mouth confirmed for me what I have thought for a long time. People are put in our lives to teach us something. I always selfishly thought it was about what I needed to learn, All the while Izabella has been learning and tucking nuggets of truth away in her heart. What came out of that 11 year old's mouth showed a wisdom many adults don't have.
I won't go into all the details of the school yard interaction. I will just share with you what Izabella shared with me. "I tried to explain to them mom, that Alina isn't like everyone else. That she has had to deal with a lot in her life that they don't understand. I tried to explain that she has seizures and all that medication was such a burden for her. They don't get it mom. I told them 'look she has anger issues but it isn't all her fault and we need to learn how to be around her.' I explained mom that when you get louder she is going to get louder and then of course she will always look like the unreasonable one. She will always look like the one who is out of control. The truth is mom she just wants to be heard and if you keep your voice calm and hear her out she doesn't get so loud. We have had to learn that in our home and watching today I got it mom we all need to work on keeping our voice calm because then Alina can keep her voice calm. She can't handle people yelling at her. I get that that is what you have been telling me"
I stared with my mouth open and tears welling, I didn't know that is what I had been telling Bella because mostly I think I said something like "Bella quit bossing your sister!" or "Bella I don't need you to be mom." or "Bella it's better for you to stay out of it!"
I didn't know I had communicated something else because when the situations arise at home my stress goes up and I struggle and having to deal with an 11 year old "helping" me just puts me over the top. So today I learned that we are all learning from each other. Alina is learning too. I don't want anyone reading this to think she hasn't made worlds of progress, anyone who has watched our busstop progress knows we are in a far better space than a year ago, Today though Alina says, "I admit it mom I did yell and it probably seemed unreasonable and I know I need to work on that." she continued "I breathed with Veronica (the noon duty) and I was ok."
I am amazed daily by my children. I am excited for who they are becoming. I have said for a long time I would rather raise a good person than the smartest or prettiest person....the world needs more good people. I know the lessons my kids are learning from each other they will carry into the world and they will make a positive difference. Just shining a light and helping others see the world from another angle...that is huge.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Full Circle
I know it's been a long time since I have written, I guess you could call it writers block, Today has been a much anticipated day but one of mixed emotion. You see my youngest started school today. Yep I am that much closer to being an empty nester. Oh I know that seems like I am jumping the gun, but when I think of how fast these past 6 years have gone by, I don't think I am far from the mark.
You see John II was born when Izabella was in Kindergarten. Look at this picture.
See they are just babies..it went by in a blink. The saying, "the days are long but the years fly by," is not wrong!!
Many know John II turning 5 was hard for me. Maybe its because I got to keep him in a baby like state for longer than most kids. Maybe it's because when you are a mom who goes through hours and hours of therapy with your child a bond is formed stronger than anything you can imagine. Maybe it's because John II came to us on the heals of losing a pregnancy and so our appreciation of his life was increased. Or maybe it's just normal mommy uncertainty of who am I when they are in school. Whatever the case, my son may have started off doing some things a little slower than the pack, but he sure has made up for it. Teaching himself to read at 4 was a little much for me...but losing teeth before even entering kinder was the straw.
So, while my son was excited to go to school today, and I am excited for him, I also have other emotions flowing through me. The unexpected tears as he marched off with the rest of his class was just the start of a day reminiscing.
All day I have been expecting to hear him ask for something, or calling to me so he can show me his latest art piece. But I am excited for him to tell me how school was!
I think part of my emotions is not just for my youngest, but for my oldest. She starts Jr. High today...what!?! Did I just type that? Yep! Jr. High starts in 6'th grade at our school. Wasn't I just holding my little 5 pound baby? Now she is a fashionista. She made breakfast this morning for everyone...where did my babies go?
I can't leave Alina out...after so many struggles we are excited for a year of progress for her. As she said nervous/excited!!
So I wondered what I would fill my days with and immediately took to filling them. I will be working for stericycle still. I am also going to begin my career as a substitute teacher. I will continue my role as a Young Living distributor . I am PTSA president. And I am in school again. Just taking a class so I can be a better substitute teacher and it turns out a better mom (yep it will help me for both). So here is the full circle. My oldests' kinder teacher is now my teacher.
Here is to a year of new adventures, exciting changes and lots of learning!!
You see John II was born when Izabella was in Kindergarten. Look at this picture.
Many know John II turning 5 was hard for me. Maybe its because I got to keep him in a baby like state for longer than most kids. Maybe it's because when you are a mom who goes through hours and hours of therapy with your child a bond is formed stronger than anything you can imagine. Maybe it's because John II came to us on the heals of losing a pregnancy and so our appreciation of his life was increased. Or maybe it's just normal mommy uncertainty of who am I when they are in school. Whatever the case, my son may have started off doing some things a little slower than the pack, but he sure has made up for it. Teaching himself to read at 4 was a little much for me...but losing teeth before even entering kinder was the straw.
All day I have been expecting to hear him ask for something, or calling to me so he can show me his latest art piece. But I am excited for him to tell me how school was!
I think part of my emotions is not just for my youngest, but for my oldest. She starts Jr. High today...what!?! Did I just type that? Yep! Jr. High starts in 6'th grade at our school. Wasn't I just holding my little 5 pound baby? Now she is a fashionista. She made breakfast this morning for everyone...where did my babies go?
I can't leave Alina out...after so many struggles we are excited for a year of progress for her. As she said nervous/excited!!
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Mommy you're beautiful
Of late my 10 year old and I have had a hit and miss relationship. I know this is common but that is of little consolation when your once cuddly child screams "I hate you and I can't wait to leave this house." Truth be told my cuddly infant screamed A LOT, so who knows what she was thinking at that time, perhaps the same thing but no language skills to convey the message. But the Dr. tells me she was trying to tell me her tummy hurt.
There are days when I spend it on a self imposed time out for fear of my own reaction to her outbursts. Often while in isolation I am praying and often my prayers are pleas for guidance and that this will pass soon. I am sure we have a long road, but I always remember that when women and hormones combine it is a caustic reaction for some that takes years to control and some never do learn how to. So, it's easy to forgive the drama. I remember when my low thyroid was yet to be diagnosed I was no peach to be around that's for sure.
Then add into the mix my poor little Alina who struggles with temper much as I did as a child, only she has the added benefit of a medication, albeit temporary, that has a side affect of making you snarky. Awesome! So I have a two fer right now and neither one is truly in control of their emotions.
But hearing on a fairly regular basis how awful you are you begin to believe that you have indeed earned this title. I began looking in the mirror and seeing an old hag. The back pains and knee groans did nothing to make me feel younger. Nor did the increasing visibility of gray hairs or the fact that others noticed and commented. My tummy has cellulite and stretch marks and my legs have lypoma's. I am beginning to sound a little Dr. Seuss but you get the point. I was not liking my reflection and part of it is, if BOTH my daughters are so angry at me, perhaps there is something wrong with my heart (not physically but spiritually). Basically, when you feel like a bad person it's easy to see ALL your flaws.
I do feel like we had a break through with our oldest and there has been a greater sense of peace in our home. I have watched my daughter truly take the lead on projects near and dear to her heart. Literally, going to all of our neighbors and selling her wares to support American Cancer Society. Watching her realize her sister has not exactly been dealt a fair hand and the complete compassion she has been able to show, this is such a gift from God.
But today was the best. She wanted to sit next to both her dad and I in church. She at one point snuggled in close and whispered in my ear, "Mom, I just wanted you to know, you are beautiful." I don't think she realized how old I have been feeling (ridiculous I know), but she erased years in that moment. Then like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes when later she saw her sister was cold, took off her sweater and then lovingly placed it on Alina and then fixed her hair. It was all so tender and I almost felt guilty peeking in at such a clearly private moment between two sisters. Today my fears for their future relationship were assuaged. I am sure we will still have tantrums and sibling spats. I am also certain I will still have times of self imposed isolation. But today I was shown my daughters true heart and for that blessing I will forever be thankful!!
There are days when I spend it on a self imposed time out for fear of my own reaction to her outbursts. Often while in isolation I am praying and often my prayers are pleas for guidance and that this will pass soon. I am sure we have a long road, but I always remember that when women and hormones combine it is a caustic reaction for some that takes years to control and some never do learn how to. So, it's easy to forgive the drama. I remember when my low thyroid was yet to be diagnosed I was no peach to be around that's for sure.
Then add into the mix my poor little Alina who struggles with temper much as I did as a child, only she has the added benefit of a medication, albeit temporary, that has a side affect of making you snarky. Awesome! So I have a two fer right now and neither one is truly in control of their emotions.
But hearing on a fairly regular basis how awful you are you begin to believe that you have indeed earned this title. I began looking in the mirror and seeing an old hag. The back pains and knee groans did nothing to make me feel younger. Nor did the increasing visibility of gray hairs or the fact that others noticed and commented. My tummy has cellulite and stretch marks and my legs have lypoma's. I am beginning to sound a little Dr. Seuss but you get the point. I was not liking my reflection and part of it is, if BOTH my daughters are so angry at me, perhaps there is something wrong with my heart (not physically but spiritually). Basically, when you feel like a bad person it's easy to see ALL your flaws.
I do feel like we had a break through with our oldest and there has been a greater sense of peace in our home. I have watched my daughter truly take the lead on projects near and dear to her heart. Literally, going to all of our neighbors and selling her wares to support American Cancer Society. Watching her realize her sister has not exactly been dealt a fair hand and the complete compassion she has been able to show, this is such a gift from God.
But today was the best. She wanted to sit next to both her dad and I in church. She at one point snuggled in close and whispered in my ear, "Mom, I just wanted you to know, you are beautiful." I don't think she realized how old I have been feeling (ridiculous I know), but she erased years in that moment. Then like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes when later she saw her sister was cold, took off her sweater and then lovingly placed it on Alina and then fixed her hair. It was all so tender and I almost felt guilty peeking in at such a clearly private moment between two sisters. Today my fears for their future relationship were assuaged. I am sure we will still have tantrums and sibling spats. I am also certain I will still have times of self imposed isolation. But today I was shown my daughters true heart and for that blessing I will forever be thankful!!
Monday, February 17, 2014
Scary Moments
There are those times when you truly have to trust your mother's intuition. When your brain says, "everything is fine stop worrying," but your heart says, "This is the moment to worry!"
Most of the time I do feel I worry too much. Is it because I feel the weight of three innocent lives somehow entrusted to me? Maybe it's that feeling you get when your little one is sick, that foreboding, that dread? Or maybe it's because I just tend to be an anxious person. So for me knowing where the line is, where to say "Here, here is the moment it is ok to worry," and when to do my deep breathing exercises because I am obviously having another irrational moment, is not very clear much of the time.
Part of my problem is when Jasz was not walking yet and instead he was scooting, I had plenty of voices telling me to worry, including my own, but our Dr. was not concerned. I let that voice speak louder than mine. Same with his assessment of Alina. nothing major wrong, just a little OCD and she'll grow out of it. Turns out both those insights were wrong and that nagging voice in my heart was very very right. So then I swung the other way.
That resulted in a couple of ER trips and thousands of dollars to be told, "she has a virus, nothing we can do, go home." I had been certain there was something major wrong...I mean she had a temp of 103 for 5 days and Tylenol wasn't bringing it down. The response was that I hadn't been giving enough Tylenol.
So what's a mom to do? Well this mom has taken control over our health as much as I can and armed myself with powerful tools. Instead of sitting idly by while my daughter starved before my eyes I found alternatives to such medication. The first step has been diet change. This significantly improved our families health. Gluten and dye removal has been pretty effective at removing the need for ADD meds. Some Dr.'s will say there isn't research to back it up, some say there are studies that do so you really have to make the decisions with your intuition. In the end I decided it certainly wouldn't hurt them and just might help. I'll tell you I know for sure we will have a spiral out tantrum if we have a red lollypop or M&M's...so we choose not to and my kids know why. My first step in this was to have frank and concrete conversations with my kids so they would be on board. All three jumped on board without hesitation. Now they say there are things they miss, but the consequences to them are not worth it. You see added bonus we've noticed an improvement in gut function as well. I also have to add I was paid a compliment by Bella's teacher. She told me there were a couple other kids in her class with food allergies who were embarrassed to be different and so wouldn't ask if a snack contained wheat. She told me that whatever I said empowered her and she owned her food choices, she was being a model for others.
My next powerful tool I added to my arsenal was Young Living Essential oils. These are high quality therapeutic grade oils. The breadth of their use spans centuries and everyone of us can benefit from them. I have been using lavender and peppermint to combat allergies. Stinky dog? Purification to the rescue. Restless night? Peace and calming and Lavender. Stomach bug? Peppermint. Colds and Flus? Thieves.
I could go on, but I am trying to keep my post down in size. I can and will do a whole post on Epilepsy and ADD and oils...but today I want to talk about this past weekend.
You see in my research for epilepsy and oils I found there are oils that should not be used on epileptics, two of them are in the Thieves blend. A single drop of thieves stopped this cold/flu in its tracks for Bella and me. Literally went to bed feeling yucky woke up and felt totally healthy. I gave us each a drop a couple more days for good measure but that is it. But I could not use this blend on my son. Oh I have since learned there are other powerful immunity boosting oils that I can use, but I had none of them in my possession. So I watched with that feeling of helplessness as my sons head cold became something much more ominous. The fever spiked, the cough sounded like it was something to worry about. The first night I fought with myself because we've been here before and spent so much money to be told it's nothing. But Saturday my heart was telling me it was something and if I let it go it might be something we couldn't come back from.
I was right. I took my wheezing, weak, limping son to urgent care to find out he has pneumonia. Thus began a weekend of antibiotics, breathing treatments round the clock and looming hospital admission hanging over our heads. We are now the proud owners of our very own nebulizer. I came out of this with three lessons. 1. Always trust your intuition, God gave it to us for a reason. 2. Modern Medicine can be life saving and it has it's place; and 3...never be caught off guard again. I will have on hand the oils my babies need because this is the healthiest cold flu season we have ever had and Jasz still ended up with pneumonia. I firmly believed I could have kept it from getting so bad if I had the right tools at my disposal.
I am off to love on my kiddos but I leave you with this: Never let anyone shame you into doubting yourself.
Most of the time I do feel I worry too much. Is it because I feel the weight of three innocent lives somehow entrusted to me? Maybe it's that feeling you get when your little one is sick, that foreboding, that dread? Or maybe it's because I just tend to be an anxious person. So for me knowing where the line is, where to say "Here, here is the moment it is ok to worry," and when to do my deep breathing exercises because I am obviously having another irrational moment, is not very clear much of the time.
Part of my problem is when Jasz was not walking yet and instead he was scooting, I had plenty of voices telling me to worry, including my own, but our Dr. was not concerned. I let that voice speak louder than mine. Same with his assessment of Alina. nothing major wrong, just a little OCD and she'll grow out of it. Turns out both those insights were wrong and that nagging voice in my heart was very very right. So then I swung the other way.
That resulted in a couple of ER trips and thousands of dollars to be told, "she has a virus, nothing we can do, go home." I had been certain there was something major wrong...I mean she had a temp of 103 for 5 days and Tylenol wasn't bringing it down. The response was that I hadn't been giving enough Tylenol.
So what's a mom to do? Well this mom has taken control over our health as much as I can and armed myself with powerful tools. Instead of sitting idly by while my daughter starved before my eyes I found alternatives to such medication. The first step has been diet change. This significantly improved our families health. Gluten and dye removal has been pretty effective at removing the need for ADD meds. Some Dr.'s will say there isn't research to back it up, some say there are studies that do so you really have to make the decisions with your intuition. In the end I decided it certainly wouldn't hurt them and just might help. I'll tell you I know for sure we will have a spiral out tantrum if we have a red lollypop or M&M's...so we choose not to and my kids know why. My first step in this was to have frank and concrete conversations with my kids so they would be on board. All three jumped on board without hesitation. Now they say there are things they miss, but the consequences to them are not worth it. You see added bonus we've noticed an improvement in gut function as well. I also have to add I was paid a compliment by Bella's teacher. She told me there were a couple other kids in her class with food allergies who were embarrassed to be different and so wouldn't ask if a snack contained wheat. She told me that whatever I said empowered her and she owned her food choices, she was being a model for others.
My next powerful tool I added to my arsenal was Young Living Essential oils. These are high quality therapeutic grade oils. The breadth of their use spans centuries and everyone of us can benefit from them. I have been using lavender and peppermint to combat allergies. Stinky dog? Purification to the rescue. Restless night? Peace and calming and Lavender. Stomach bug? Peppermint. Colds and Flus? Thieves.
I could go on, but I am trying to keep my post down in size. I can and will do a whole post on Epilepsy and ADD and oils...but today I want to talk about this past weekend.
You see in my research for epilepsy and oils I found there are oils that should not be used on epileptics, two of them are in the Thieves blend. A single drop of thieves stopped this cold/flu in its tracks for Bella and me. Literally went to bed feeling yucky woke up and felt totally healthy. I gave us each a drop a couple more days for good measure but that is it. But I could not use this blend on my son. Oh I have since learned there are other powerful immunity boosting oils that I can use, but I had none of them in my possession. So I watched with that feeling of helplessness as my sons head cold became something much more ominous. The fever spiked, the cough sounded like it was something to worry about. The first night I fought with myself because we've been here before and spent so much money to be told it's nothing. But Saturday my heart was telling me it was something and if I let it go it might be something we couldn't come back from.
 |
| Jasz using his nebulizer...he is a pro now |
I am off to love on my kiddos but I leave you with this: Never let anyone shame you into doubting yourself.
Monday, January 20, 2014
How to be a Drought resistant family
So you may have heard that Governor Jerry Brown Declared on Friday, January 17 that we in California have a State Drought emergency. Click here for the LA Times article on this.
Two years of almost no rainfall has taken its toll on our water supplies making crop shortage and fires a real and present danger.
This mom has lived in this area her entire life and is well acquainted with the drought cycles. I remember summers where lake Cachuma was closed and our lawns were brown. The photos of Lake San Antonio I saw last week brought tears to my eyes as it is a puddle now. Inaction by politicians could be blamed as the average person simply enjoys the warmer weather and does not connect the dots as to what it means in the grand scheme.
However, I think we all have to pay attention to what is going on around us and realize mother nature warned us and for the most part we ignored her. This family didn't though. We have not really watered our lawn in a year. We did water the backyard because I had food producing plants, which fed the local squirrel and rabbit population, much to my irritation.
I will say we were not a good as we should have been. But now we have been asked to cut 20%. It's voluntary but this blogger urges you to treat as mandatory as we will face bad consequences as we hit summer. Here are some ideas to reduce water:
1. Stop watering lawns, best would be to remove the lawn and plant drought resistant landscaping. That way when the the drought is over water use for your yard will have no need to go up. Why is this important? We need to have long term strategies and be cognizant of the fact we live in a desert.
2. Don't use the hose to wash your car. Those car washing assembly lines typically recycle the water making them much more conservative of the water use than you can be at home.
3. Turn off the sink while brushing your teeth or shaving. There is absolutely no need to have water running down the drain while you brush. If you are shaving fill the sink with a little water and rinse your razor in that. I guarantee you will use less.
Say it gets to a point where these are not enough of a cutback and it may just get to that point in some parts of California. Here are some more, less appealing ideas.
1. Shower less often and use the Military shower model. First of all you actually produce more oil the more frequent you bathe. So stretching the time between showers may actually help skin issues. Next if it gets to this point we have to do what we have to do,. Have the kids share one tub of water. Or turn the water off between soaping and rinsing.
2. Hand wash your dishes in a tub or basin and use the dishwasher as a drying rack only. We use a more natural dish soap that has no harmful chemicals in it, so I could then use that water to water my lemon, orange and apple trees.
3. Flush less often. Sounds gross I know, but when you need to you need to.
Whatever happens we are in this together and depend on each other to be wise with our resources.
Two years of almost no rainfall has taken its toll on our water supplies making crop shortage and fires a real and present danger.
This mom has lived in this area her entire life and is well acquainted with the drought cycles. I remember summers where lake Cachuma was closed and our lawns were brown. The photos of Lake San Antonio I saw last week brought tears to my eyes as it is a puddle now. Inaction by politicians could be blamed as the average person simply enjoys the warmer weather and does not connect the dots as to what it means in the grand scheme.
However, I think we all have to pay attention to what is going on around us and realize mother nature warned us and for the most part we ignored her. This family didn't though. We have not really watered our lawn in a year. We did water the backyard because I had food producing plants, which fed the local squirrel and rabbit population, much to my irritation.
I will say we were not a good as we should have been. But now we have been asked to cut 20%. It's voluntary but this blogger urges you to treat as mandatory as we will face bad consequences as we hit summer. Here are some ideas to reduce water:
1. Stop watering lawns, best would be to remove the lawn and plant drought resistant landscaping. That way when the the drought is over water use for your yard will have no need to go up. Why is this important? We need to have long term strategies and be cognizant of the fact we live in a desert.
2. Don't use the hose to wash your car. Those car washing assembly lines typically recycle the water making them much more conservative of the water use than you can be at home.
3. Turn off the sink while brushing your teeth or shaving. There is absolutely no need to have water running down the drain while you brush. If you are shaving fill the sink with a little water and rinse your razor in that. I guarantee you will use less.
Say it gets to a point where these are not enough of a cutback and it may just get to that point in some parts of California. Here are some more, less appealing ideas.
1. Shower less often and use the Military shower model. First of all you actually produce more oil the more frequent you bathe. So stretching the time between showers may actually help skin issues. Next if it gets to this point we have to do what we have to do,. Have the kids share one tub of water. Or turn the water off between soaping and rinsing.
2. Hand wash your dishes in a tub or basin and use the dishwasher as a drying rack only. We use a more natural dish soap that has no harmful chemicals in it, so I could then use that water to water my lemon, orange and apple trees.
3. Flush less often. Sounds gross I know, but when you need to you need to.
Whatever happens we are in this together and depend on each other to be wise with our resources.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Grace
Grace is Gods gift to mankind. With such a great gift comes immense responsibility. Is the expectation that of perfection. No. But it is to stop expecting perfection of everyone else. We all stumble. We all fall. But we all have been given grace.
We have been given forgiveness, but we don't forgive so easily. I was talking with a friend today and a memory was brought back. The memory was of a friend who found herself pregnant out of wedlock. This friend was not married but they were committed to marriage, and now their baby on the way. She was asked to step down from our choir as it wouldn't look good. However, a male counterpart in a similar situation only no committed relationship was allowed to keep his position. When asked why, it was because people could visually see the evidence of her sin, while his was not front and center.
Talking with my friend and remembering this I said to her in words I wished I'd had then...All of us have a scarlet letter. All of us fall short, Without exception. So, why shame one and not all.
This was on my heart and why I share it here today.
See the pregnant girl
Give her Grace for letting life live instead of shame for a mistake.
See the angry mom
Give her Grace for the morning of constant battles, backaches and dirty dishes instead of mean glares for having a bad moment.
See the child throwing a fit
Give Grace for the child whose tummy hurts, muscles ache, and to whom the world seems a constant confusion; for to you it may seem like a spoiled brat but for them life is a struggle.
See the man looking with disgust at the children laughing around him
Give Grace for he was told he would never have one and his heart breaks but our world doesn't allow for a man's heart to.
See the homeless man
Give Grace because he tried, he was once a productive member of society and became it's out cast, and now all he wants is someone to call him by name.
Give grace
for it is easy to judge, but remember eyes are watching you too.
I for sure need to remember these words. Even the smaller imperfections need Grace too.
We have been given forgiveness, but we don't forgive so easily. I was talking with a friend today and a memory was brought back. The memory was of a friend who found herself pregnant out of wedlock. This friend was not married but they were committed to marriage, and now their baby on the way. She was asked to step down from our choir as it wouldn't look good. However, a male counterpart in a similar situation only no committed relationship was allowed to keep his position. When asked why, it was because people could visually see the evidence of her sin, while his was not front and center.
Talking with my friend and remembering this I said to her in words I wished I'd had then...All of us have a scarlet letter. All of us fall short, Without exception. So, why shame one and not all.
This was on my heart and why I share it here today.
See the pregnant girl
Give her Grace for letting life live instead of shame for a mistake.
See the angry mom
Give her Grace for the morning of constant battles, backaches and dirty dishes instead of mean glares for having a bad moment.
See the child throwing a fit
Give Grace for the child whose tummy hurts, muscles ache, and to whom the world seems a constant confusion; for to you it may seem like a spoiled brat but for them life is a struggle.
See the man looking with disgust at the children laughing around him
Give Grace for he was told he would never have one and his heart breaks but our world doesn't allow for a man's heart to.
See the homeless man
Give Grace because he tried, he was once a productive member of society and became it's out cast, and now all he wants is someone to call him by name.
Give grace
for it is easy to judge, but remember eyes are watching you too.
I for sure need to remember these words. Even the smaller imperfections need Grace too.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
New years no resolution
That Christmas we spent with my hubby's family and it was one that, for a time, made me have a distaste for every single one of them, They were beyond mean in their criticism of John and I and it was beyond hurtful. I remember crying to my sister-in-law and how angry she got. She told me, "I've never seen you as fat, I just love you for who you are." I did need that reassurance, but the truth was I had been denying my weight problem.
That Christmas we also spent some time with our adapted family and our adapted Brother Brian and his Fiance had lost a ton of weight. So we spent an evening with them and talked to them about how they did this. They told us Weight watchers. I appreciated their form of honesty because they both understood what it was like to have food control you so they were loving and kind about each and every word. Their time is what motivated me.
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| John and I the Christmas of 2001 |
I guess I look back and realize that John's family also motivated me, but it was not something I would ever do to anyone.
Yes the words we heard still hurt, but yes I still love them all. I realize now that I am here and not there that we were all younger and more immature and their comments likely came from a place of concern, so for that I am thankful.
I vowed after talking with Brian and Ida that I would lose the weight. I joined weight watchers January of 2002...John did this with me only at home. John joined a fitness competition at work with money on the line. He tied for the pot by May. By August I had lost 65 pounds and was trying to reach lifetime. In September I discovered I was pregnant with Bella...so I never reached lifetime. Though my weight has fluctuated I have never again reached those heights. I believe weight watchers taught me how eat right and what a portion looks like and it has stuck with me.
What I love about that experience is rarely can someone say they look better after having 3 kids than they did on their wedding day. I actually had that confirmed when a cashier at Osh Kosh (who happened to be a young male college student) did a double take of my id. You see that picture had been taken just after our honeymoon. There I stood many years and three kids later. He finally asked me how old the picture was. I told him and he was flabbergasted...he then said that he had never met anyone who looked better after three kids.
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| A side by side comparison, wedding day and May of 2013 |
Aside from that one year I have never really made a resolution...probably for fear I won't reach it nearly as successfully as I did that year. Also, I think we should always be making small goals to improve ourselves...and if we slide back, we don't give up. Don't wait a whole year because you messed up on week three of 2014. It takes consistency to make any changes.
Lets make this our resolution revolution: I vow to try my best every day and not let failure defeat me. I vow to make the healthier choices even if they aren't the more fun options.
These are things we should be doing anyways and it's a day by day adventure not a mammoth task that ends the next new year.
Here's to a happy, healthy and thriving 2014 and beyond!!!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Do' and Dont's
It is always hard as a parent when your child is diagnosed with something difficult. We want their world to remain innocent for as long as possible. We don't want them to ponder their death, we want them to enjoy life with that limitless possibility outlook.
So when we are cruising along in life and we hear that there is something significantly bad going on in the health of our children it is like a punch to the gut or a glass of freezing cold ice water dumped on your head during a really good dream. So it is no wonder we don't always handle it the best. Now that I am a couple of years out from hearing my daughter is epileptic I realize I should have read a do and don't list so I wouldn't have to undo damage.
So here is my list of do's and dont's when you hear your child has epilepsy:
DO:
Tell them what is going on. This is one I did do right, but I was shocked at how many people asked me if Alina knew she was having seizures. To clarify Alina does not have Grand Mal seizures, she has Absence seizures. So it would be harder for her to know, but we felt knowledge was power in this case. At least this way she had an explanation as to why people warped across the room or she missed part of the lesson in school.
DON'T:
Blame Yourself!! This is an important one. There's always the "what did I eat while I was pregnant syndrome", but this goes beyond that. I felt so guilty at all the times I had yelled at my daughter because she wasn't responding to me. I thought she was just blowing me off. Her teacher is the one who picked up on something being very wrong, but neither of us once thought seizures. I replayed the video's of my own bad behavior incessantly. Realistically, though I tend to be a know-it-all, I really don't. I had no experience and therefore no way to know that there was even such a type of seizure. We were told by several medical professionals that she was lucky her teacher and I had a good working relationship. Many of these kids go years with no diagnosis, are labeled the goof off and by the time the truth is discovered they are so far behind it is insurmountable. So I had to realize it wasn't my fault she had the seizures but it was my fault we found it out and that was a good thing.
DO:
Reassure, Reassure, Reassure!!! Oh my, I think my problem here was that I needed reassuring too. I did not do enough of this. I left her dangling while I whined and researched. I think it might even be said I felt sorry for myself and here she was needing to know it was going to be ok. The thing was she never outwardly stated she needed to know it would be ok. Izabella would have. Alina is an internal processor so she let it eat at her. And boy did it eat. So, you may not know that it's going to be ok, but they need to know that it will be. I'm not saying you should lie, but remember the day before they were skipping through life only vaguely aware there was bad stuff out there. There world and the world of your other children just crashed down as they process the realization that even kids have bad things happen to them. I mean come on how many 20 year olds have that concept down? So let them know it will be ok, because no matter what it will. I believe in Jesus and His promises and if that is true then we know it will all be okay by any definition.
DON'T:
Make their entire identity about their "disease." Your child does not want to be introduced as Alina the epileptic. I never told Alina's friends, she did that. However, she then took that on as her identity. What that did was make her feel different and isolated. I remember her crying that none of her friends had to take medicine and she was so alone. I pointed out that I take medicine, and her brother does. I also pointed out that she really didn't know if other kids took medicine or not, maybe they just didn't talk about it. Then this summer I stumbled upon a book called Becky the Brave by Laurie Lears. I found it randomly at the library. It is a story about a little girl with epilepsy whose little sister thought she was the bravest girl. But Becky was embarrassed by her seizures. That is until her younger sister reminds Becky and her friends that seizures is just one part of Becky, there are lots of other great things about Becky that have nothing to do with epilepsy. This book spoke to Alina and she finally realized that it is just one part of her, it isn't her whole story.
I am sure there are more to add to this list, but I will end with Do always love your children and they will flourish!!
So when we are cruising along in life and we hear that there is something significantly bad going on in the health of our children it is like a punch to the gut or a glass of freezing cold ice water dumped on your head during a really good dream. So it is no wonder we don't always handle it the best. Now that I am a couple of years out from hearing my daughter is epileptic I realize I should have read a do and don't list so I wouldn't have to undo damage.
So here is my list of do's and dont's when you hear your child has epilepsy:
DO:
Tell them what is going on. This is one I did do right, but I was shocked at how many people asked me if Alina knew she was having seizures. To clarify Alina does not have Grand Mal seizures, she has Absence seizures. So it would be harder for her to know, but we felt knowledge was power in this case. At least this way she had an explanation as to why people warped across the room or she missed part of the lesson in school.
DON'T:
Blame Yourself!! This is an important one. There's always the "what did I eat while I was pregnant syndrome", but this goes beyond that. I felt so guilty at all the times I had yelled at my daughter because she wasn't responding to me. I thought she was just blowing me off. Her teacher is the one who picked up on something being very wrong, but neither of us once thought seizures. I replayed the video's of my own bad behavior incessantly. Realistically, though I tend to be a know-it-all, I really don't. I had no experience and therefore no way to know that there was even such a type of seizure. We were told by several medical professionals that she was lucky her teacher and I had a good working relationship. Many of these kids go years with no diagnosis, are labeled the goof off and by the time the truth is discovered they are so far behind it is insurmountable. So I had to realize it wasn't my fault she had the seizures but it was my fault we found it out and that was a good thing.
DO:
Reassure, Reassure, Reassure!!! Oh my, I think my problem here was that I needed reassuring too. I did not do enough of this. I left her dangling while I whined and researched. I think it might even be said I felt sorry for myself and here she was needing to know it was going to be ok. The thing was she never outwardly stated she needed to know it would be ok. Izabella would have. Alina is an internal processor so she let it eat at her. And boy did it eat. So, you may not know that it's going to be ok, but they need to know that it will be. I'm not saying you should lie, but remember the day before they were skipping through life only vaguely aware there was bad stuff out there. There world and the world of your other children just crashed down as they process the realization that even kids have bad things happen to them. I mean come on how many 20 year olds have that concept down? So let them know it will be ok, because no matter what it will. I believe in Jesus and His promises and if that is true then we know it will all be okay by any definition.
DON'T:
Make their entire identity about their "disease." Your child does not want to be introduced as Alina the epileptic. I never told Alina's friends, she did that. However, she then took that on as her identity. What that did was make her feel different and isolated. I remember her crying that none of her friends had to take medicine and she was so alone. I pointed out that I take medicine, and her brother does. I also pointed out that she really didn't know if other kids took medicine or not, maybe they just didn't talk about it. Then this summer I stumbled upon a book called Becky the Brave by Laurie Lears. I found it randomly at the library. It is a story about a little girl with epilepsy whose little sister thought she was the bravest girl. But Becky was embarrassed by her seizures. That is until her younger sister reminds Becky and her friends that seizures is just one part of Becky, there are lots of other great things about Becky that have nothing to do with epilepsy. This book spoke to Alina and she finally realized that it is just one part of her, it isn't her whole story.
I am sure there are more to add to this list, but I will end with Do always love your children and they will flourish!!
The simple Gift
I have often wondered why we as a culture do so much in buying, but that hasn't stopped me from participating. I think for my family both growing up and current, there two times a year when you got presents, Birthday and Christmas. Rarely have we gone to the store and have I bought my kids a toy to appease them. (There have a few exceptions I must admit). Typically though, if they have wanted something outside of those times they have had to save their allowance.
So, I guess for me that is why I want those gifts to be special is they are infrequent. But as I looked around my house this fall I realized truly our kids have no wants...the toy cabinet is bursting, they have pretty full wardrobes and we have a working tv.
My oldest did come up with a list and as she is becoming more fashion conscious hers is full of clothes. But it was my Alina who stole my breath. You see we were at the mall and of course there was Santa. She bubbled over with excitement to see him. We waited our turn and she went up and told him her hearts desire. I wasn't in listening range.
Later I asked her what she wanted Santa to bring her and her simple answer made me smile. She said, "I would like a diary with a lock. Sometimes I have thoughts in my head that I need to get out but I don't really want anyone else to read them. I've been telling those to one person, but that's a lot for her to maintain my secrets, so I'd like to be able to write them down and lock it away."
We have always maintained the relationship that Jesus and Santa have (you know Santa helps Jesus out). I had a friend tell me that she still believes in Santa because he is like magic and we all need a little magic in our lives. Does she think there are going to be unexplained gifts under the tree? No, but it's that sense of wonder we lose as we "grow up." I am trying to let my children have that sense of wonder as long as they can. So Santa will likely find a way to give little Alina a diary with a lock.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Waiting to Breath
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| Mike dancing with me on my wedding Day |
But the truth is, I'll never really know what it would have been like to have uncle Mike in my kids' lives. He left this world when Bella was 5 months old. He in fact died exactly two weeks before her baptism and the invitation to the event was still in his mail box. He never even saw it. It was sudden. He was 36 about to turn 37 in 4 months. We never really got a good answer from the autopsy, except that he wasn't exactly kind or easy on his body and years of abuse took it's toll.
But he was young. He had not had children of his own and no wife (though Vikki always felt like that to us). The last time I saw him I can say he didn't look well but he didn't look like he would be dead in two months. We had a family BBQ for the fourth of July. That was the last time I saw my brother alive. He held Bella once.
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| Baby Izabella on the 4'th |
He also pulled me aside and had a older brother conversation that in hind site wreaks of foreshadowing. He told me two things that have remained with me. First, he told me I chose a husband wisely. That he could tell John was a good guy, who loved me and would take care of me. He told me the smartest thing I ever did was marry him. The second thing he told me was if we hadn't picked Bella's Godparents they should be Gabe (now called Nino) and Erica. Well he was half right, Gabe is Bella's God father and Erica is Alina's Godmother. And though Mike was never particularly religious I always felt good about those choices, like Mike had blessed them and it made them mean that much more.
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| Izabella's Baptism |
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| Alina's Baptism |
Every subsequent birthday I wanted to be happy. Just before my 30'th we welcomed Alina into the world. I wouldn't say that any of them were as bad as my 28'th but it was hard to feel happy that day. Last year, was the first time I felt the burden of sadness surrounding that day lift. It made me pause and ask myself why...because I could physically feel the difference in my body. I realized all these years I felt like I was on a count down. The fact that I had weird ailments crop up did nothing to alleviate those fears. But I guess some part of me felt like if Mike, who was larger than life, could slip away in his sleep at the age of 36, then surely meek little me would do the same.
But I didn't. I have lost friends, family, faced heart ache and triumph and I am still here. It honestly had not been a conscious thought. Truly any of us could meet Jesus tomorrow. But I had been holding my breath wondering all that time.
So, now I breathe deep. Last year I celebrated with a vengeance. Every year, September is hard. It actually surprises me how hard it still seems. But I guess it's all those pesky never again's and never got to's. But at least now I can breathe.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Politics of Helping
Wanting to do a good deed should be no big deal, but there is that old adage, "no good deed goes unpunished." As many of my friends and family know Izabella and I have been volunteering at a local People's Kitchen through our church's Youth ministry. This has grown me as a person. Well the coordinator for our day had been saying for a few months that soon we would have a new site. You see the ministry as a whole was using one churches out door space. It was perfectly set up for it. It had an area that could be locked up and had a separate entrance so people weren't traipsing through their church to get a meal. Also, it was smack in the middle of town so it was easily accessible by those who needed it the most.
The church decided not to renew their lease in that spot, so with no one paying the bill for space the search was on. Now our church has a decent area for it but we are on the outskirt of town so it would be hard for many people to get there. See this for an article on the People's Kitchen: http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2013/02/
Link to Article
Well come August 1 a new home was needed an no good place had stepped up so a temporary site was set up near the back parking lot of Public health. Well not wanting to spread too much gossip the gist is people have the "not in my backyard" syndrome. Neighbors are not being that hospitable and to me it's a sad statement on the issue.
As a Christian I am bothered to no end by those that say only the government can help people. You see food stamps are great, but if you have no kitchen to cook in how are you really going to have a hot meal with those? That's where churches and other volunteers step in. The food is provided out of volunteer pockets. And a permanent space is in the works as soon as enough funds are raised.
We have seen a lot of interesting things over our time serving but overall not many problems. I understand people's concern for safety, truly I do. I just have such a hard time with people's unwillingness to get their hands dirty so to speak. Let someone else deal with it seems to be a pervasive idea .
But it is our problem. As a christian I feel convicted to help where I can. As a human I can't stand other's suffering, and as a single income family I realize that we are but one paycheck from needing a meal ourselves.
As a society let's agree to stop legislating and politicizing people's difficulties and let's just help. I just read an article about church volunteers in another city narrowly missing arrest simply for feeding the homeless. What was their crime? Not paying for an $800 permit to distribute food. That is $800 that could go to buying more food to help more people.
Honestly, I am not sure the point of this blog except to to say, that if everyone says, "someone else will do it," we will run out of someone else's. If everyone says, "not in my backyard," pretty soon we have no where left to go. Instead hold out your hand and help, don't wait for someone else or Uncle Sam...Uncle Sam is going broke and quick.
The church decided not to renew their lease in that spot, so with no one paying the bill for space the search was on. Now our church has a decent area for it but we are on the outskirt of town so it would be hard for many people to get there. See this for an article on the People's Kitchen: http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2013/02/
Link to Article
Well come August 1 a new home was needed an no good place had stepped up so a temporary site was set up near the back parking lot of Public health. Well not wanting to spread too much gossip the gist is people have the "not in my backyard" syndrome. Neighbors are not being that hospitable and to me it's a sad statement on the issue.
As a Christian I am bothered to no end by those that say only the government can help people. You see food stamps are great, but if you have no kitchen to cook in how are you really going to have a hot meal with those? That's where churches and other volunteers step in. The food is provided out of volunteer pockets. And a permanent space is in the works as soon as enough funds are raised.
We have seen a lot of interesting things over our time serving but overall not many problems. I understand people's concern for safety, truly I do. I just have such a hard time with people's unwillingness to get their hands dirty so to speak. Let someone else deal with it seems to be a pervasive idea .
But it is our problem. As a christian I feel convicted to help where I can. As a human I can't stand other's suffering, and as a single income family I realize that we are but one paycheck from needing a meal ourselves.
As a society let's agree to stop legislating and politicizing people's difficulties and let's just help. I just read an article about church volunteers in another city narrowly missing arrest simply for feeding the homeless. What was their crime? Not paying for an $800 permit to distribute food. That is $800 that could go to buying more food to help more people.
Honestly, I am not sure the point of this blog except to to say, that if everyone says, "someone else will do it," we will run out of someone else's. If everyone says, "not in my backyard," pretty soon we have no where left to go. Instead hold out your hand and help, don't wait for someone else or Uncle Sam...Uncle Sam is going broke and quick.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Big G and Hasbro Go Retro...Only at Target
I was given the opportunity to Check out for myself the Retro look that General Mills and Hasbro took with some classics. The games are only available in their retro look at target through April 30'th.
For a family who LOVES to play games this was very cool. The games come in high quality wooden boxes. We were sent Parcheesi® Vintage and with my gift card I was sent, as well as the $5 off a Hasbro game coupon, which is on every marked package of cereal, I bought the classic game of Clue® Vintage.
I can't wait to share these classics with our kids.
My family had a great time going retro and we hope you enjoy it too!!
For a family who LOVES to play games this was very cool. The games come in high quality wooden boxes. We were sent Parcheesi® Vintage and with my gift card I was sent, as well as the $5 off a Hasbro game coupon, which is on every marked package of cereal, I bought the classic game of Clue® Vintage.
I can't wait to share these classics with our kids.
Disclosure: The prize pack, information, and giveaway have been provided by General Mills through MyBlogSpark.
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My family had a great time going retro and we hope you enjoy it too!!
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