Sunday, March 16, 2014

Mommy you're beautiful

Of late my 10 year old and I have had a hit and miss relationship.  I know this is common  but that is of little consolation when your once cuddly child screams "I hate you and I can't wait to leave this house."  Truth be told my cuddly infant screamed A LOT, so who knows what she was thinking at that time, perhaps the same thing but no language skills to convey the message.  But the Dr. tells me she was trying to tell me her tummy hurt.

There are days when I spend it on a self imposed time out for fear of my own reaction to her outbursts.  Often while in isolation I am praying and often my prayers are pleas for guidance and that this will pass soon.  I am sure we have a long road, but I always remember that when women and hormones combine it is a caustic reaction for some that takes years to control and some never do learn how to.  So, it's easy to forgive the drama.  I remember when my low thyroid was yet to be diagnosed I was no peach to be around that's for sure.

Then add into the mix my poor little Alina who struggles with temper much as I did as a child, only she has the added benefit of a medication, albeit temporary, that has a side affect of making you snarky.  Awesome!  So I have a two fer right now and neither one is truly in control of their emotions.

But hearing on a fairly regular basis how awful you are you begin to believe that you have indeed earned this title.  I began looking in the mirror and seeing an old hag.  The back pains and knee groans did nothing to make me feel younger.  Nor did the increasing visibility of gray hairs or the fact that others noticed and commented.  My tummy has cellulite and stretch marks and my legs have lypoma's.  I am beginning to sound a little Dr. Seuss but you get the point.  I was not liking my reflection and part of it is, if BOTH my daughters are so angry at me, perhaps there is something wrong with my heart (not physically but spiritually).  Basically, when you feel like a bad person it's easy to see ALL your flaws.

I do feel like we had a break through with our oldest and there has been a greater sense of peace in our home.  I have watched my daughter truly take the lead on projects near and dear to her heart.  Literally, going to all of our neighbors and selling her wares to support American Cancer Society.   Watching her realize her sister has not exactly been dealt  a fair hand and the complete compassion she has been able to show, this is such a gift from God.

But today was the best.  She wanted to sit next to both her dad and I in church.  She at one point snuggled in close and whispered in my ear, "Mom, I just wanted you to know, you are beautiful."  I don't think she realized how old I have been feeling (ridiculous I know), but she erased years in that moment.  Then like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes when later she saw her sister was cold, took off her sweater and then lovingly placed it on Alina and then fixed her hair.  It was all so tender and I almost felt guilty peeking in at such a clearly private moment between two sisters. Today my fears for their future relationship were assuaged.  I am sure we will still have tantrums and sibling spats.  I am also certain I will still have times of self imposed isolation.  But today I was shown my daughters true heart and for that blessing I will forever be thankful!!

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