Sunday, November 14, 2010

Thinking of my past helps me understand today

Boy I tell you I do not know what is going on with my house but we can not seem to stay healthy. Just when I though it was only me left sick as all three children have had this virus already...Alina throws up again. unlike the other times she is still feeling sick today. So I guess I will take her to my Dr.'s appointment tomorrow and try to see what's going on with her. There is no fever and it's not severe tummy pain just a little and not throwing up...just nauseous. It could be a reaction to something she's eating but I have yet to figure out the pattern.

All I want is for my family to be healthy. Yesterday I began the unattractive trait of feeling sorry for myself. I've gotten a lot of "you can celebrate another time". Which I understand...however as many of us adults have lives revolving around our children...finding the time when we can all get together is tough. Plus we are heading into the Holiday's. I think by the time we find time again it will be spring and even that is iffy.

Don't get me wrong I am thankful for the blessings that have been shown to me. I have a loving husband who will always take care of me. I have kids who love me and want to do their part too. My husband was able to have a four day weekend....we had no idea how much of a blessing that would be until Thursday. And I had the less severe form of Meningitis...that's a HUGE blessing!!

It's funny I have always been scared of meningitis. I studied a lot of Biology in college and we talked about this illness in many of my classes. I always thought...well hopefully I never get that that sounds horrible. I have also met people who got it as an adult and years later were still suffering back pain and severe headaches (obviously not constantly) as a little reminder of the disease.
So when the Doctor said I likely had Viral meningitis I said "CRAP!!" Literally. I was scared. As far as we have come our Medical science is still bested by microscopic viruses. They are the most dangerous life form on our planet. They are like the Borg. They don't want to play nicely with our cells, they want to make our cells like them literally changing their DNA. And resistance to some of these guys is in fact futile. Scary stuff!! That's worse than any terrorist. Yet we have no way to commit mass specicide (not sure if that's a word). Medical science tells you to go home and ride it out they've got nothing for you except pain pills.

For me personally I think my Birthday is a little cursed. My 28'th birthday was my only birthday where I was seriously depressed. It wasn't because I was getting older. It was because it was exactly 2 months to the day that my brother Mike suddenly passed away. He always sent me flowers of some sort on my birthday. And I woke up that morning and realized I would never hear from him again. My six month old Izabella is the only reason I ever got out of bed that day...she needed me.

Not a curse but my middle daughter was born 2 weeks before my thirtieth. I think that was an awesome Birthday gift!! But I was in no mood to celebrate me. So on Alina's 1'st Birthday I threw a 30'th +1 party. It was technically before my 31'st. It was a lot of fun. But on my actually birthday I had a mean virus attack my optic nerve of both eyes. I spent that Thanksgiving getting lumbar punctures and MRI's. My vision returned long enough for me to renew my drivers license.( I had gotten a 60 day window to see my Doctor.) But it returned when my girls got the stomach Flu in January. It only attacked the left eye that time....but left me with permanent damage. Another round of MRI's showed not MS which is what all Dr.'s had suspected I had. To this day I am a Medical mystery. He believes it to be a virus that attacked my optic nerve, perhaps related to the flu shot. So I am never to get the flu shot as in all cases the second reaction has resulted in death. To be safe my kids are not to get it either. However, research I did shows that 70% of all cases of recurrent optic neuritis result in the patient developing MS within 10 years. I sort of always feel it hanging over my head. I constantly watch for other symptoms.

So when on this last Thursday, 4 years later, I had a headache that seemed to stem from my eyes. I was scared it was rearing it's ugly head again. And although I said "CRAP" in the ER a minute later in my mind I thought "Phew" it's not MS.

I guess part of me is a little pessimistic. I try hard to fight that bit of Satan in me. I try to always see God's blessings. Right now I feel though my back is hurting that I dodged a bullet and I think that is why I have been emotional yesterday and today...Viral Meningitis = dodging bullet!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, Becky! I'm so sorry about all of this! Know what? We all get some small frames of time to "feel sorry for ourselves." Then we muster up something from deep inside and move forward. I know it has not been a happy birthday, but I want you to know I am happy about your birthday and to celebrate YOU. You are a blessing in my life. Here is to the next year being a healthier one for you and yours!! xoxo